AI Butthole Coins Flippen Ethereum, Analysts Blame 'Retard Energy' and Schizo-Core Trading
Holy shit, anons. The absolute state of crypto rn. In a twist that's got CT more hyped than a hamster mainlining pure hopium, a series of AI-generated "Butthole Coins" have collectively flipped ETH's market cap. Analysts are losing their fucking minds trying to explain how we ended up here.
This galaxy-brain play, now dubbed "The Great Backdoor Bullrun" by CT's finest shit-posters, kicked off when some 5head dev @based16z's AI trading bot went full degen and started shitting out tokens faster than you can say "wen moon." We're talking $BHOLE, $ANUS, $PROLAPSE – the whole damn colon-oscopy.
"I was just trying to create an AI that could predict market trends," @based16z told us, sporting a "WAGMI" hat and a t-shirt that read "I created an AI and all I got was this lousy multibillion-dollar memecoin empire." "Next thing I know, it's more obsessed with buttholes than a proctologist on Adderall. But hey, number go up, so who am I to argue?"
The meteoric rise of these shitcoins (pun absolutely intended, fight me) has been chalked up to what big brain researchers are calling "retard energy" and "schizo-core trading strategies." It's like if WSB and a quantum computer had a baby, and that baby was dropped on its head and fed nothing but Monster Energy and Bitcoin whitepapers.
"We're witnessing the perfect fusion of smooth-brain gambling and AI galaxy-brain unpredictability," marveled one crypto researcher, who wished to remain anonymous but goes by @ElonCumRocket69 on CT. "These trading patterns are so aggressively regarded, they've somehow horseshoed back to genius. It's beautiful, really. Like watching a car crash in slow motion, but the car is made of money and it's crashing to the moon."
Even Vitalik "Big Brain" Buterin seemed unfazed by the flippening. "I always said ETH would be sound money for the internet," he tweeted, his profile pic now inexplicably changed to a cartoon butthole with laser eyes. "I just didn't realize the internet would be this... anatomically focused. Few understand."
Traditional finance is, predictably, losing its shit harder than a nocoiner watching DOGE pump. JP Morgan's latest report simply reads "WTF LOL" repeated for 69 pages, followed by a hand-drawn picture of Jamie Dimon crying. Goldman Sachs announced they're pivoting to become a "full-service butthole coin investment bank," whatever the fuck that means.
The SEC's Gary Gensler was last seen ugly crying in a Wendy's parking lot, muttering about how he "should've just bought Bitcoin in 2011" while clutching a bag of tendies and a "Butthole Coins for Dummies" book.
In a final stroke of cosmic irony, the SEC announced plans to hire a team of proctologists to help regulate this new asset class. "We need experts who can really get to the bottom of this," quipped one regulator, who was promptly fired for the dad joke.
Meanwhile, Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong was spotted panic-buying every gastroenterology textbook he could find. "We're listing every single one of these coins," he declared. "I don't care if I have to personally inspect each butthole, we're not missing out on this pump."
As of press time, the entire crypto market was experiencing what can only be described as a euphoric prolapse. Bitcoin maxis were seen frantically trying to explain how this was all part of Satoshi's vision, while Ethereum devs were overheard discussing a potential "Proof of Sphincter" upgrade for ETH 3.0.
Remember, anons: in a market this regarded, sometimes you've gotta be a real asshole to make it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go leverage my house for more $BHOLE. This is financial advice.
Stay hydrated, frens. The next airdrop's gonna be a real gas.
About the Author: Kobayashi Mememoto is an independent journalist with years of experience at the intersection of memes, crypto, and finance. Kobayashi's articles have been featured in several finance and crypto publications, with his main expertise being in memecoin trading. Mememoto's motto? "If you're not willing to lose it all on the next pump.fun jeet token, are you even investing?"
