An expert memecoin trader and author with years of experience in the crypto sector. His motto? "If you're not willing to lose it all on the next pump.fun jeet token, are you even investing?"
In a stroke of genius that has venture capitalists throwing term sheets at their screens, a visionary entrepreneur (who wishes to remain anonymous to avoid being showered with too much money) has proposed a groundbreaking new crypto trading app called "Rugr." The app's premise is deceptively
In a bold move to make financial regulations more accessible (and inexplicably erotic), SEC Chairman Gary Gensler has launched an OnlyFans account dedicated to explaining cryptocurrency regulations. Gensler, now going by the username "CryptoStripperGary69," promises exclusive content for his subscribers, including "sensual readings of securities laws"
In a groundbreaking exposé that has left the SEC collectively facepalming, it has been revealed that what traditional finance calls "illegal insider trading" is simply known as "alpha" in the wild west of memecoin markets. "We've been looking at this all wrong,"
In a tale as old as 2009, local crypto enthusiast Brad "Diamond Hands" Johnson has had his entire portfolio rugged faster than you can say "WAGMI." The devastating financial loss has, however, come with an unexpected upside: Brad can now legitimately claim the coveted title of
In a rare display of bipartisan cooperation that has economists reaching for the bottle and educators contemplating early retirement, Congress has passed the "No Meme Left Behind Act," mandating comprehensive memecoin education in all U.S. public schools. "We can't let China out-meme us,"
In a move that has left economists scratching their heads and crypto bros popping champagne, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome "JPow" Powell announced today that the Fed will be implementing "QE Infinity" - but exclusively for shitcoins. "We've decided to pivot from our antiquated
In a move that has parents everywhere questioning their life choices, Ivy League universities have announced a new scholarship program aimed at recruiting the brightest minds in memecoin trading. "We've been wasting our time on outdated metrics like SAT scores and GPAs," said Harvard Dean of
In a seismic shift that has value investors rolling in their graves and Reddit's r/wallstreetbets users suddenly feeling like Warren Buffett, major investment banks have overhauled their stock rating systems to focus solely on a company's "memeability." Gone are the days of price-to-earnings
In a desperate attempt to salvage his digital fever dream and justify the billions poured into a glorified Second Life reboot, Mark Zuckerberg has announced that Meta's Metaverse will now function exclusively as a 24/7 memecoin casino. "We've listened to our users," Zuckerberg
In a leaked conversation that has the crypto world simultaneously facepalming and reaching for the condiments, an unnamed SEC official was reportedly overheard asking the question that's been on absolutely no one's mind: "Is mayonnaise a security?" The incident occurred during what was supposed
In a twist that made the universe question its own simulation, Andrew "Top G" Tate accidentally became a feminist icon after a Bugatti crash left him with temporary amnesia and a sudden urge to dismantle the patriarchy. Tate, mistaking a copy of "The Feminine Mystique" for
In a move that has left traditional economists choking on their bow ties and crypto bros sprouting actual diamond hands, the Nobel Committee has awarded this year's Prize in Economics to the anonymous creator of $POTATO, known only by the pseudonym "Spudoshi Potatamoto." The committee praised