Breaking: Fed announces QE infinity, but only for shitcoins. JPow: 'Fiat was the real rugpull all along.'
In a move that has left economists scratching their heads and crypto bros popping champagne, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome "JPow" Powell announced today that the Fed will be implementing "QE Infinity" - but exclusively for shitcoins.
"We've decided to pivot from our antiquated obsession with the U.S. dollar," Powell declared, adjusting his "HODL" snapback hat. "It's time to embrace the future of finance: shitty pixelated jpegs and tokens named after Elon's jizz."
The unprecedented policy shift will see the Federal Reserve purchasing vast quantities of cryptocurrencies such as $CUMROCKET, $ELONCUM, and the newly minted $FEDRUG. Powell emphasized that only coins with "absolutely no fucking utility and a strong likelihood of reaching zero" would be eligible for the program.
"Fiat was the real rugpull all along," Powell mused, sipping from a "Have Fun Staying Poor" mug. "We've been slow-rugging the American public for decades. It's time to speed things up and give the people what they want - financial ruin at the speed of light."
Reaction from Wall Street was swift and predictable. Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase, was seen furiously googling "how to create a shitcoin" while muttering about missed opportunities. Meanwhile, crypto influencers celebrated by updating their laser eyes profile pictures to include clown noses.
The announcement has already had a significant impact on the crypto market. $DOGE briefly flipped Bitcoin, only to be immediately overtaken by $ELONSPERM, a token that promises to "knock up your wallet with gains."
When asked about the potential economic consequences of this radical policy shift, Powell shrugged. "Look, we tried responsibility, and it was boring as fuck. Now we're just leaning into the chaos. Besides, have you seen how sick these NFT yachts look in the metaverse?"
As news of the Fed's new direction spread, a group of shadowy super-coders gathered in a Discord server to debate the most important question of all: "Wen $JPOW token?"
In related news, the SEC has announced plans to regulate the crypto market by implementing a "vibes-based" approach, where enforcement actions will be determined by a Magic 8-Ball.
This is a developing story. The Meme Street Journal urges readers to DYOR (Destroy Your Own Retirement) and remember that this is not financial advice - it's financial performance art.
