Breaking: Goldman Sachs opens new 'Dank Memes' trading desk. Says it's 'where the real alpha is'.
In a move that has traditional finance bros questioning their entire existence, Goldman Sachs announced today the launch of its new "Dank Memes" trading desk, claiming it's discovered "where the real alpha is hiding."
"We've been wasting our time with antiquated concepts like 'fundamentals' and 'risk management'," said Goldman CEO David Solomon, now going by his trader name 'DJ $oloman'. "Turns out, the key to beating the market was right under our noses, buried in a pile of Cheeto dust and Monster Energy drink cans."
The new division, officially named "Quantitative Memetics and Shitpost Arbitrage," will focus on exploiting inefficiencies in the meme economy. Strategies include longing stocks mentioned in the most fire Reddit comments and shorting any company unfortunate enough to become the butt of a viral TikTok joke.
"Our analysts spent months in the trenches of 4chan, Twitter, and Discord," Solomon explained, adjusting his newly acquired Guy Fawkes mask. "They've developed a proprietary 'Dankness Index' that's already outperforming our traditional models by 420%."
The firm has reportedly poached top talent for the new desk, including the creator of the "Stonks" meme and the admin of "Wall Street Bets' Finest Loss Porn" Telegram channel. Ivy League recruitment has been halted in favor of a nationwide search for the spiciest meme lords.
Goldman's first product offering under the new strategy is a highly leveraged "YOLO ETF" that automatically invests in whatever r/wallstreetbets is pumping that week. The prospectus simply reads "Trust me, bro" followed by a rocket emoji.
Wall Street rivals are scrambling to catch up. JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon was seen furiously scrolling through Know Your Meme during a board meeting, while Morgan Stanley has reportedly acquired a controlling stake in a Mongolian rare Pepe mining operation.
The SEC, still reeling from trying to comprehend what the hell a meme stock is, has thrown up its hands in defeat. "We're just going to assume it's all a simulation at this point," mumbled one exasperated regulator.
As of press time, Goldman's new Dank Memes desk has already generated more profit than the entire commodities division, mainly by cornering the market on "Money Printer Go Brrr" NFTs.
In related news, the Federal Reserve has announced plans to replace its dot plot with a series of increasingly distorted Mr. Incredible memes to signal future interest rate decisions.
About the Author: Kobayashi Mememoto is an independent journalist with years of experience at the intersection of memes, crypto, and finance. Kobayashi's articles have been featured in several finance and crypto publications, with his main expertise being in memecoin trading. Mememoto's motto? "If you're not willing to lose it all on the next pump.fun jeet token, are you even investing?"
