Congress passes 'No Meme Left Behind Act', mandating memecoin education in all public schools. 'For national competitiveness,' says sponsor.
In a rare display of bipartisan cooperation that has economists reaching for the bottle and educators contemplating early retirement, Congress has passed the "No Meme Left Behind Act," mandating comprehensive memecoin education in all U.S. public schools.
"We can't let China out-meme us," declared Senator Chad Gainz (R-TX), the bill's primary sponsor, while attempting to explain what 'diamond hands' means to a room full of bewildered octogenarian colleagues. "Our kids need to be fluent in Wojak and proficient in shitposting by the time they hit puberty, or we'll lose our edge in the global meme economy."
The groundbreaking legislation includes several key provisions:
- Replacing traditional math classes with "Tokenomics 101" and "Advanced Rug Pull Calculus"
- Substituting history lessons with deep dives into legendary pump-and-dumps and "The Great Doge Run of '21"
- Mandatory "HODL Hour" where students must resist the urge to panic sell during simulated market crashes
- Renaming school cafeterias as "Staking Pools" where kids can gamble their lunch money on the daily coin flip
"We're preparing our youth for the jobs of tomorrow," explained Education Secretary DeepFuckingValue (formerly known as Miguel Cardona). "In the future, flipping JPEGs and creating viral TikToks about your gains will be more valuable than outdated skills like 'critical thinking' or 'reading.'"
The bill faced initial resistance from traditional educators, but opposition crumbled when they realized meme analysis might actually get kids to pay attention in class. "I used to struggle to teach 'The Great Gatsby,'" said one high school English teacher. "But when I reframed it as 'OG Diamond Hands Gets Rekt by Paper-Handed Virgin,' engagement went through the roof."
Wall Street firms are already salivating at the prospect of a new generation of traders raised on a steady diet of hopium and green candles. "Finally, some fresh blood that understands our lingo," grinned one hedge fund manager, furiously taking notes during a 4th grader's presentation on "Why Eloncumrocket is going to flip Bitcoin."
Critics argue that teaching kids about memecoins is irresponsible and potentially catastrophic. Proponents counter that "it literally cannot be worse than the financial literacy they're getting now."
As of press time, the first wave of "No Meme Left Behind" curricula is rolling out nationwide. Early reports indicate that a group of 3rd graders in Ohio have already cornered the market on lunchroom NFTs, while a high school in Florida accidentally caused a flash crash in the global memecoin market during a particularly intense pop quiz.
In related news, Harvard Business School has announced plans to offer a Ph.D. in "Dank Financial Instruments," with a specialization in "Pepe the Frog Chart Analysis."
The Meme Street Journal reminds readers that while educating kids about memecoins may seem ridiculous, it's probably more useful than whatever the hell trigonometry was supposed to be for. Remember: when the lunch lady jeets out, the chad kids rush in to buy the dip.
About the Author: Kobayashi Mememoto is an independent journalist with years of experience at the intersection of memes, crypto, and finance. Kobayashi's articles have been featured in several finance and crypto publications, with his main expertise being in memecoin trading. Mememoto's motto? "If you're not willing to lose it all on the next pump.fun jeet token, are you even investing?"
