Jamie Dimon Caught Buying $NiggaButt Token at 3 AM. Claims He Was 'Just Doing Market Research'
In a shocking turn of events that's left Wall Street clutching its pearls, JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon was caught red-handed buying $NiggaButt tokens in the wee hours of the morning. The banking titan, known for his previous scathing critiques of cryptocurrency, was spotted by his wife hunched over his phone, furiously swapping SOL for $NBT on PUMP100X...
When confronted, Dimon reportedly shouted, "It's not what it looks like! I'm just doing deep, penetrating market research!" Sources close to the situation claim he then muttered something about "understanding the liquidity pools" before diving back into his phone.
JPMorgan's PR team quickly sprang into action, releasing a statement that read: "Mr. Dimon's late-night activities were purely professional. He was simply exploring the depths of decentralized finance to better serve our clients' needs. The fact that he was giggling and shouting 'to the moon!' is irrelevant."
However, blockchain analysts have revealed that Dimon's wallet, cleverly named "TotallyNotJamieDimon.eth," has been accumulating a veritable smorgasbord of NSFW tokens, including $MILF, $DILDO, and $BIGPP.
"I've never seen such thorough 'research' in my life," remarked one analyst, who wished to remain anonymous. "He's either writing the most comprehensive report on shitcoins in history, or he's got a serious case of degen fever."
The crypto community has responded with a mix of shock and amusement. Bitcoin maximalist Max Keiser tweeted, "Welcome to the dark side, Jamie. Next stop: OnlyFans NFTs!" Meanwhile, Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin simply commented with a wide-eyed emoji, followed by a peach and a fire.
As news of Dimon's nocturnal activities spread, $NiggaButt's price skyrocketed 6,969%, only to plummet moments later when traders realized they couldn't actually redeem the tokens for anything remotely resembling the coin's name.
In a final twist, JPMorgan announced it would be launching its own memecoin, $JPMorgan&Chill, backed by "the full faith and credit of whatever the hell is going on in Jamie's mind right now."
At press time, Dimon was reportedly seen furiously deleting his browser history and researching flights to non-extradition countries. Meanwhile, his TradFi peers were left wondering if they too should start "researching" the bustling world of NSFW tokens. After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em – preferably at 3 AM when no one's watching.
