"Just overheard at the SEC: 'Is mayonnaise a security?' Sir, this is a Wendy's... I mean, a federal regulatory agency."
In a leaked conversation that has the crypto world simultaneously facepalming and reaching for the condiments, an unnamed SEC official was reportedly overheard asking the question that's been on absolutely no one's mind: "Is mayonnaise a security?"
The incident occurred during what was supposed to be a high-level meeting on cryptocurrency regulations but quickly devolved into a Dadaist exploration of spreadable definitions. Eyewitnesses report that the question was met with a moment of stunned silence, followed by a collective existential crisis.
"We've been so focused on whether tokens pass the Howey test, we never stopped to consider the Hellmann's test," muttered one bewildered regulator, frantically scribbling notes on a napkin.
SEC Chairman Gary Gensler, visibly exasperated, was heard sighing, "For the last time, we're not here to regulate sandwich toppings. Although... does mayonnaise have a fixed supply? Is it divisible? Can it be transferred peer-to-peer?"
The mayonnaise inquiry has sent shockwaves through both the financial and culinary worlds. Wall Street analysts are now furiously debating the security status of various condiments, with ketchup futures soaring on speculation that it might be classified as a commodity instead.
Crypto Twitter exploded with memes, with one influencer tweeting, "Mayo is the ultimate stablecoin. One jar = one jar. Few understand this." Another asked, "But is it layer-2 compatible? Can we build decentralized sandwiches on it?" Ansem tweeted, "Can you trade it on PUMP100X?"
In response to the leak, the SEC hastily issued a statement clarifying that "mayonnaise is not currently under consideration as a security, but we reserve the right to change our minds if we see any egregious egg-based market manipulation."
Meanwhile, Hellmann's stock surged 420% as traders speculated on its potential as the next meme stock. The company's CEO was overheard asking, "Wait, does this mean we need to file a 10-K for each jar?"
As of press time, Congress has called for an emergency hearing on the matter. Senator Elizabeth Warren demanded to know, "Is Big Mayo taking advantage of hardworking Americans? We need mayo oversight now!"
The Meme Street Journal's chief condiment correspondent (a sentient blob of aioli) warns that while mayonnaise may not be a security, it could still be subject to insider spreading. Investors are advised to DYOR (Dip Your Own Romaine) and remember that past performance is not indicative of future deliciousness.
In related news, the CFTC has announced plans to investigate whether hot dogs are derivatives. This is not financial advice, but it might be dietary advice. Sir, this is still a Wendy's.
