"Kim Kardashian shills new coin $ASSETH. SEC's Gensler immediately slides into her DMs."
In a move that has crypto bros salivating and financial regulators reaching for the aspirin, Kim Kardashian has once again dipped her perfectly manicured toes into the murky waters of cryptocurrency promotion. This time, she's pushing a new coin called $ASSETH, which promises to "make your wallet as thick as its namesake."
Kardashian, no stranger to crypto controversy, took to Instagram to promote the coin, telling her 342 million followers: "OMG guys! 😍 I'm, like, so excited about this new coin $ASSETH! 🍑🚀 It's gonna be bigger than Bitcoin, Ethereum, and my... well, you know! 😘 #NotFinancialAdvice #ButTotallyBuyIt #ASSETH"
The announcement sent shockwaves through the crypto world, with $ASSETH's market cap ballooning faster than you can say "Brazilian butt lift." Trading volume exploded, causing several exchanges to crash and at least one blockchain to develop stretch marks.
However, the real drama unfolded when SEC Chair Gary Gensler, apparently forgetting which account he was using, immediately slid into Kardashian's DMs. The exchange, later leaked by an anonymous source (definitely not Gensler's disgruntled intern), went as follows:
Gensler: "hey kim, u up? 👀 wanna discuss some regulatory compliance over dinner? 🍷🕯️"
Kardashian: "New phone, who dis?"
Gensler: "it's ya boi gary, from the SEC 😎 just wanted to chat about that hot new coin you're pushing 🔥💰"
Kardashian: "Ew, regulation. I don't fuck wif broke ni**as like you... 💁♀️"
The SEC quickly issued a statement claiming Gensler's account had been "hacked by Russian crypto bears," but insiders report seeing the Chair furiously swiping through Hinge in his office.
Meanwhile, the crypto community is divided on $ASSETH. Some hail it as the "next moon shot," while others dismiss it as "just another pump and dump... but, like, literally." Ethereum creator Vitalik Buterin was overheard muttering, "I didn't create smart contracts for this," before begrudgingly buying a bag.
As of press time, $ASSETH has already spawned several fork coins, including $THICC, $BADONK, and $KIMYE (a deflationary token that loses half its value every time you transfer it).
The Meme Street Journal's chief celebriteconomist warns that while $ASSETH may seem like a bottom-heavy investment, it could still end up being the butt of the joke. "But let's be real," he added, "in this market, that probably means it'll 10x by next week."
Remember, in the wild world of celebrity-endorsed shitcoins, DYOR (Don't Yeet Our Retirement) and always invest responsibly. Or don't. We're a serious satire site, not your mom.
