SEC's Gensler launches OnlyFans to explain crypto regulations. Subscribers still confused, but aroused.
In a bold move to make financial regulations more accessible (and inexplicably erotic), SEC Chairman Gary Gensler has launched an OnlyFans account dedicated to explaining cryptocurrency regulations.
Gensler, now going by the username "CryptoStripperGary69," promises exclusive content for his subscribers, including "sensual readings of securities laws" and "naughty noncompliance punishments."
"I've tried Twitter threads, congressional hearings, and strongly worded press releases," Gensler explained, adjusting his newly acquired leather harness. "But nothing seems to penetrate the thick skulls of crypto bros. So I figured, why not penetrate... differently?"
The account's inaugural video, titled "50 Shades of Regulatory Gray Area," features Gensler slowly and seductively defining what constitutes a security while suggestively fondling a stack of legal documents.
Subscriber feedback has been mixed. "I still have no fucking clue what a Howey test is," said one user, "but watching Gary sensually whisper 'disclose material information' made me feel things I never knew I could feel."
Another subscriber commented, "I came for regulatory clarity, but I stayed for Gary's 'Naked Short Selling' ASMR series."
The crypto community's reaction has been predictably chaotic. Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao tweeted, "Compliance just got a lot more complicated... and hot." Meanwhile, Michael Saylor of MicroStrategy announced plans to mortgage his company's Bitcoin holdings to afford the "Whale Tier" subscription level.
When asked about potential conflicts of interest, Gensler assured reporters that all proceeds from his OnlyFans would go directly to the SEC's enforcement fund, dubbed "Operation Spank Bank."
As of press time, Gensler's account had amassed over 100,000 subscribers, though it remains unclear how many are genuine crypto enthusiasts and how many are simply there for the "Staking vs. Stripping" educational series.
In related news, CFTC Chairman Rostin Behnam is reportedly considering a rival TikTok account, promising to explain derivatives regulations through the medium of interpretive dance.
The Meme Street Journal reminds readers that subscribing to CryptoStripperGary69 is not a substitute for actual legal advice, no matter how many eggplant emojis he uses in his captions.
About the Author: Kobayashi Mememoto is an independent journalist with years of experience at the intersection of memes, crypto, and finance. Kobayashi's articles have been featured in several finance and crypto publications, with his main expertise being in memecoin trading. Mememoto's motto? "If you're not willing to lose it all on the next pump.fun jeet token, are you even investing?"
