"World's First Trillionaire, 16, Still Lives in Parents' Basement. Warren Buffett Moves In As Apprentice."
In a twist that has economists reaching for the bottle and motivational speakers questioning their entire careers, 16 year-old Kevin "Diamond Hands" McGee has become the world's first trillionaire through the cutting-edge strategy of "yoloing his life savings into whatever shitcoin had the funniest name."
McGee, who still resides in his parents' basement in suburban Ohio, attributes his success to "gut instinct, mountain dew, and a complete lack of financial literacy."
"I just kept buying coins with dogs on them," McGee explained, pausing his 18th straight hour of Fortnite. "Who knew that $ElonCumRocket would overtake Apple in market cap?"
His journey to unimaginable wealth began when he invested his $600 stimulus check into a memecoin called $LIGMA. "The whitepaper was just the Navy Seal copypasta. I knew it was going places," he said.
Despite his newfound status as the wealthiest human in history, McGee's lifestyle remains largely unchanged. "Why would I move out? Mom does my laundry, and the basement has great acoustics for my Twitch streams," he said, gesturing to a setup worth more than the GDP of several small nations.
Wall Street is in shambles trying to make sense of McGee's success. "We've got PhDs in here crunching numbers 24/7, and this kid outperformed us by following advice from a hamster on TikTok," lamented one hedge fund manager, who was last seen furiously creating a Dogecoin wallet.
In an unexpected turn of events, even legendary investor Warren Buffett has moved into McGee's basement, hoping to learn the secrets of memecoin trading. "I've been doing this investing thing all wrong," Buffett admitted, watching in awe as McGee executed trades between Fortnite matches. "The Oracle of Omaha? More like the Boomer of Berkshire. This kid's the real deal."
Buffett can often be seen holding McGee's Mountain Dew supply and furiously taking notes as the teenager explains complex concepts like "diamond hands" and "when lambo." Sources close to the situation report that Buffett has already liquidated significant portions of Berkshire Hathaway to invest in McGee's latest pick, $YOLONOSCOPE.
Moreover, the SEC has announced plans to investigate McGee's trading activity, but admitted they "have no fucking clue where to even begin." Chairman Gary Gensler was quoted as saying, "Is 'hodl' a real word? I feel like I'm having a stroke."
Meanwhile, Harvard Business School has offered McGee a position as a guest lecturer. His first seminar, titled "LOL Money Printer Go BRRR: A New Paradigm in Wealth Creation," is already oversubscribed.
As of press time, McGee was considering diversifying his portfolio by "maybe buying some of those NFT things." The art world is preemptively declaring bankruptcy.
In related news, McGee's parents are still asking when he's going to get a "real job." His mother was overheard saying, "A trillionaire? That's nice, dear. But have you thought about learning to code?"
The Meme Street Journal reminds readers that past performance is not indicative of future results, unless you're Kevin McGee, in which case the universe is clearly your bitch.
