"Zuckerberg's Metaverse pivots to 24/7 memecoin casino. Meta stock finally moves (down)."
In a desperate attempt to salvage his digital fever dream and justify the billions poured into a glorified Second Life reboot, Mark Zuckerberg has announced that Meta's Metaverse will now function exclusively as a 24/7 memecoin casino.
"We've listened to our users," Zuckerberg declared, his avatar's dead eyes staring into the void. "And what they want is to lose their life savings in increasingly absurd ways while wearing stupid goggles."
The revamped Metaverse, now rebranded as "ZuckVegas," offers a smorgasbord of financial ruin options. Users can stake their retirement funds on red or black in "Rugpull Roulette," test their luck at "Shitcoin Slots," or go all-in at the "NFT Poker" tables, where the cards are randomly generated JPEGs of bored apes.
"It's like gambling, but with the added thrill of potential SEC investigations," boasted Meta's new Chief Gambling Officer, a sentient smart contract named $MOONB0T.
The pivot has drawn mixed reactions. Crypto enthusiasts are thrilled at the prospect of losing money in three dimensions instead of the usual two. Meanwhile, gambling addicts are excited to finally combine their vices with crippling motion sickness.
However, Meta shareholders seem less than impressed. The stock plummeted faster than you can say "digital leg microtransactions," with one analyst describing the move as "the corporate equivalent of your divorced dad buying a Camaro and a 'Live, Laugh, YOLO' t-shirt."
Competitors are scrambling to keep up. Google has hastily rebranded its VR division as "The House Always Wins," while Apple is rumored to be developing iGamble, a $3000 headset that allows you to lose money you don't even have yet.
Las Vegas casinos, feeling the heat, have announced plans to accept Dogecoin and install RGB lighting on all slot machines. "If you can't beat 'em, blind 'em with tacky lights," sighed one casino manager.
Regulators are, predictably, at a loss. "We're not sure if this falls under gambling laws, securities regulations, or bird law," admitted one SEC official. "At this point, we're just going to throw a dart at the Federal Register and regulate whatever it lands on."
As for Zuckerberg, he remains optimistic. "In the Metaverse, we're all degens," he mused, his avatar's soulless grin widening. "And in ZuckVegas, the house always wins... unless Elon tweets. Then all bets are off."
The Meme Street Journal's virtual correspondent (a CryptoPunk jpeg that gained sentience and immediately developed a gambling problem) reports that ZuckVegas is already seeing heavy traffic. Apparently, the allure of losing your shirt without physically removing it is too strong for many to resist.
Remember, in the brave new world of the Metaverse, when the normies jeet out, the true degens rush in... to a virtual world where they can jeet out even harder. This is not financial advice, but it is probably more reliable than whatever Zuckerberg's cooking up next.
